[MUSIC PLAYING]

SPEAKER: What are effective strategies parents can use when communicating with teachers?

MEG RANDALL: As a teacher, that parent partnership is e ssential to your child's success. Without it, your child may grow, but they will never grow a s much as they would have if they had had that consistent parental support coming along the way.

It's very important that the teacher and the parent co mmunicate daily. Whether it's with an agenda, or a quick email, whether the child didn't get enough sleep the night before, Or to the teacher or to the parent, they struggled with a concept tha t needs reinforcement, Or maybe they had a bad day with a peer, all of those things can be hand led through a quick written note.

If they're an older child or a teenager, again having some sort of agenda or just a quick email back and forth would be appropriate in those instances. Se tting up that daily communication keeps it regular, keeps it going, keeps the child informed that their teacher and their parent are talking. And it really sets the child up for success in the classroom.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

SPEAKER 1: Excuse me, are you Mrs. Chandler?

MRS. CHANDLER: Yes.

SPEAKER 1: Yes, I have an appointment with you.

MRS. CHANDLER: Oh.

SPEAKER 1: I understand you want to talk to me about Tim.

MRS. CHANDLER: Tim's mom.

SPEAKER 1: That's right.

MRS. CHANDLER: Right. Yes, sorry. You're a little bit early.

NARRATOR: If you notice the potential drama of this parent meeting, than this program can help you with some useful skills to handle it successfully.

SPEAKER 1: OK, so what can we do then to help this boy?

MRS. CHANDLER: Well obviously, we have put some procedures in place now.

LINDA BAKER: Parents of children who have special educational needs are often the most anxious parents. So therefore, for a teacher, it is particularly important they develop these communication skills to be able to work effectively and have a good relationship with parents of children with special educational needs.

GILL MONTGOMERY: Thank you so much for coming today.

NARRATOR: We've come to a day were teachers learn positive communication skills. Conciliation strategies, useful to all staff who have contact with parents, are explained and demonstrated through a course run by Partnership With Parents, Kent LEA's support organization for parents of children with special educational needs.

GILL MONTGOMERY: The parents were telling us that they felt intimidated in school, that they felt they weren't being listened to, that they weren't being given the information that they needed about their own child. So it was decided that on this particular course we could teach what we loosely call conciliation skills, which includes body language, active listening, conceptual positioning, principled negotiation, handling objections, all these kinds of skills, which they've already got. But we just wanted to make them aware of that and to build on them even more.

Before I ask you to all sit down--

NARRATOR: With the teachers out of their comfort zone, they're asked to draw and describe how they feel as the course starts.

GILL MONTGOMERY: Schools and so on.

SPEAKER 2: I certainly felt nervous.

GILL MONTGOMERY: Well, we're apprehensive to start with.

SPEAKER 3: This is me when we arrived. I felt I was drowning in the middle of a puddle, because I didn't know what was going.

SPEAKER 4: So I've put "oh, help," because I'm a bit nervous and not sure what's going to be happening.

GILL MONTGOMERY: We're feeling like this. But how do you think parents are feeling, when they come out of their comfort zone as well? And maybe we don't always think about that, because we're so engrossed in how we're feeling and how we want things to go.

NARRATOR: The role plays we're about to see demonstrate how feelings, on the part of both the parent and the member of staff, can affect behavior.

SPEAKER 3: I want you to sort it out. I'm not frustrated. I'm angry. I'm very angry. I was told that this was a good school for my son.

SPEAKER 5: In this meeting at the moment, I'm feeling quite frustrated and disappointed. One, the parent is feeling as upset and as angry as she is with us.

SAMANTHA SMITH: The skills I've learned today, which I will definitely take with me, is to respect other people's feelings and not just think about myself, how I feel in the situation, but to think of the whole picture and consider how other people feel.

NARRATOR: Adopting an overview of the situation leads to the importance of providing the appropriate environment and atmosphere for a successful meeting.

SPEAKER 6: I think that you shouldn't have a desk between you and [INAUDIBLE].

SPEAKER 7: Not at all. Everyone should be at the same level. No one should feel that there's a position of authority in the room, especially when discussing sensitive issues.

NARRATOR: Two of the teachers experimented with different meeting scenarios. Comfortable chairs of equal level, blocking phone calls, and clutter-free surroundings are helpful things to consider, as well as providing tissues and drinking water.

Back, in the classroom, with 55% of communication being through body language, the teachers engaged with a few moves to master their technique on the meeting room floor.

SPEAKER 8: OK, freeze you two.

NARRATOR: Suzie and Angie took time out to practice.

When people agree on a subject, they tend to mirror one another. They lean in, make eye contact, and smile.

SUZANNE BEER: See, I like to relax reading books. Read books for hours on end.

ANGIE: I feel I'm drawn to Sue now because we're definitely agreeing on the same subject.

SUZANNE BEER: My body wants to move in, to be open, to smile more, nod more.

NARRATOR: When they disagree, the opposite happens. Their body positions no longer match. One pulls away from the other and they cross their limbs.

ANGIE: Yes, but you're signed up for this [INAUDIBLE] thing about football.

SUZANNE BEER: I feel comfortable like this, because I don't really want to look at her while we're disagreeing, although I have a feeling I'm leaning back, because she's being quite aggressive, that I kind of want to remove myself from the situation. But I definitely don't want to be leaning in at all at this time.

ANGIE: I feel that I need to pull you in, to actually listen to me. I feel like I'm approaching you. But you keep dismissing me. But I have to come forward for you to take on board I'm actually saying.

NARRATOR: Consciously using positive body language during a tricky disagreement can turn a situation around.

SUZANNE BEER: --associated with it. And you're right, really they could have

I wouldn't have felt comfortable like this, only that we've had to reach a compromise to be able to do this. Otherwise we both wouldn't have been able to sit this closely. It's too intense when you're having a disagreement to sit this closely together.

ANGIE: I felt much better, because we actually came to a compromise, that we--

SUZANNE BEER: I couldn't really lean in and be aggressive.

ANGIE: No, I couldn't.

SUZANNE BEER: And I wanted to, yes, find an agreement. And it was too intense to be moving our bodies--

ANGIE: I felt like we were drawn to each other, because we were actually trying to agree.

SUZANNE BEER: Yes, because the body language is making us agree more.

JENNIFER DAWN: I've had an issue with dealing with a parent whose son has behavioral issues, having her come in for meetings. And using my body language-- I was tense. She was tense. And the meeting was unsuccessful.

However, if I'd known to use body language, I could've disarmed her before she entered the classroom and, therefore, the meeting probably would have been more successful.

NARRATOR: With comfy chairs taken and bodies in positive communication mode, it was time to practice the next important skill, active listening.

LINDA BAKER: I think it's really important to demonstrate that you value the parents' views. No one knows a child better than the parent. So I think it's really important that the teacher actually acknowledges-- and one way of doing this is actually using active listening, that you've listened to what the parent is saying and actually you really do value their opinion.

ANNA SHERMAN: I'm not coming in here to have a go or speak cross or angry. I just want to know that you are aware of his needs, that the school has passed on that information. Because obviously I want my son-- I know that he is not the most well-behaved. I know that he's not necessarily the brightest child in the world. But he had lots of support in the last school. And I want to make sure that he's got that same support.

SUZANNE BEER: So you want us to make sure that we know that your child is not necessarily well-behaved and that he is not maybe the brightest child in the class, but that he needs the support put in place. And you want to make sure that we are doing that, because in the last school--

NARRATOR: So how does that feel for the parent now?

SPEAKER 9: I found that really useful. That was really good. I could tell you were listening to what I was saying and you were empathizing. But at times I wanted to say something and you were still talking.

SUZANNE BEER: OK, so I need to shorten what I'm going to say.

SPEAKER 9: Yes. But he's also trying to make friends with the children in the local area. And that's really difficult. Because obviously with different changes and things like that, he's the new kid on the block. And they don't particularly want to know him.

SUZANNE BEER: So you're worried about his friendships because of the move?

SPEAKER 9: Yes. That was a lot better, in the sense that you weren't quite so-- but still were times where I wanted to interrupt. But it was a lot better. And I felt that I wasn't just having someone talk to me continually and just repeating everything and making me feel stupid. But you're actually summarizing the key points. So I knew you were paying attention.

SUZANNE BEER: Yes, it's hard to know when to consolidate what someone has said without trying to cut them off. It's quite tricky to look for that pause in the conversation.

I think it's interesting that, looking at the parents in our school, they often find that the most successful teacher is the most intimidating. And I think that's because we tend to put down a professional shutter when we're meeting with them, whereas the skills of active listening, basically, would be that you engage on an emotional level with the parent as well and show them that you're human. And you're adult to adult, not some scary professional that they may have issues with, because of their own childhood experiences.

SPEAKER 1: So what else can you do to help my boy?

MRS. CHANDLER: Right. Well obviously, we are trying to do as much as we can. I've got a big enough workload and enough students in my class already. I'm trying to do everything I can.

SPEAKER 1: It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's my son. Well obviously you're not doing enough. You know what? I'm going to go and take this a little bit further. I'm going to go and-- I need to talk to your headmistress. I need to go and do a little bit more about this. I'm sorry.

NARRATOR: So how can you avoid a dramatic meeting like this one?

Gill, the course facilitator, gave Sam some coaching.

SPEAKER 10: Three times this past week or so I've been in here. Letters home and three phone calls. What is it with you and Bradley? What don't you like about him?

SAMANTHA SMITH: Well, it's not that we don't like him, Mrs. Stevens. It's just-- what exactly is it that you're--

GILL MONTGOMERY: I'm going to stop you right there. You need to, I suggest, to say to her that you recognize how she's feeling, you see. So you're sorry that you feel, that Mrs. Yvonne feels, that you don't like Bradley. Could she explain a bit more as to why, why does she think that you don't like him?

So you need to obviously recognize that with her first.

SAMANTHA SMITH: Right. Well, thank you very much for coming in, Mrs. Stevens. And I'm really, really sorry, that I can see you're obviously very upset about the whole situation. And I can understand that.

But exactly what is it that you're actually upset about? Pinpoint for me, exactly, what you're upset about.

SPEAKER 10: I'm in here again, aren't I? You called me in again to school.

SAMANTHA SMITH: So are you annoyed that we've actually called you in, or is there anything else that's annoying you? Or is it just the fact that we've had to ring you to get you--

SPEAKER 10: Well, I've left the other kids at me home--

GILL MONTGOMERY: I'm so sorry. You haven't actually acknowledged, still, that she feels you don't like Bradley. And I think that is the basis of this.

SAMANTHA SMITH: Right.

GILL MONTGOMERY: Her feeling is that you don't like your son. So she's annoyed that you've called her in. But I suspect wants to know why you don't like Bradley, or this is her preception. So you need pick up from there. You need to say to her, oh, I'm so sorry.

SAMANTHA SMITH: We're all in this for the best for Bradley.

GILL MONTGOMERY: And why do you think I don't like him?

SAMANTHA SMITH: Right. OK. We're all in this to help Bradley. Bradley is the main person in this. And we all want to work together to help Bradley. So are you annoyed that we've actually called you in? Or do you think that we've got something against Bradley?

SPEAKER 10: Yes, I'm annoyed that I'm in. But was is the problem with Bradley?

SAMANTHA SMITH: Bradley has just been a bit disruptive in class. He's disrupting the other children. We have tried certain strategies to help Bradley when he gets frustrated. We take him out of the situation. We calm him down with an [? LSA. ?] He draws, or--

SPEAKER 10: Oh. Didn't know none of that.

SAMANTHA SMITH: And I was wondering if there any strategies that you use at home, that we can work together? And it would be better for all of us, including Bradley. So if there's any information you can give us--

SPEAKER 10: His social worker has given me one of those star charts. Have you got star charts?

SAMANTHA SMITH: Oh fantastic. Does it work at home? Does he respond well to the star charts?

SPEAKER 10: Yeah, actually he does. Yes. He did the other day anyway.

SAMANTHA SMITH: Well, that's fantastic. The whole idea of this meeting is that you're comfortable, I'm comfortable, and we can work together for the best for Bradley.

GILL MONTGOMERY: That was really, really good. But your natural instinct there would have been prickle, wouldn't it? How dare you criticize? Whereas this way, you encouraged her, which you weren't expecting. Because you were expecting that kind of-- how dare you talk to me? I'm the teacher attitude. But she didn't. And you could see that she was genuinely understanding what you were saying to her and really cared about Bradley and was trying to sort it out. So you did. You responded to that. You came up with some strategies. You checked with Yvonne that that was OK for you. And then you kept doing it.

And actually that time you did have to go around a couple of times.

SAMANTHA SMITH: Yes.

ANNA SHERMAN: From this course, one thing that I've actually took away and thought, yes, I can apply this, is to actually listen to the anger and then say to them, OK, well what you're saying to me is this. They're able to get past the anger and actually get on to what the problem actually is, rather than just venting lots of anger and going round in a circle.

SUZANNE BEER: Next time I feel I have an angry parent walking towards me, I will definitely greet them with a big, smiley face, make sure that I am welcoming to them. I will then definitely encourage them to tell me exactly what's going on. I will summarize it back to them, so that it will be clear that w